I can't tell you how good it feels to be back blogging again. I love my youtube channel but honestly I really value words and how I can tell my story through text without rambling in a video. I thought I would do an update post of where my head is at and have a bit of a self therapy session as I do it. This isn't a post about how amazing my holiday was, that will be separate. This is about my headspace.
So... I moved. I have moved (for now) to Brighton, England. I have never found as much happiness as I have now and that is enough for me to stay to see what my future has for me. I'm going to re wind to a week before I left because I feel like that's where my story starts.
As someone who has panic attacks and anxiety (I have always extremely open about it) from a bunch of different sources (the main being I have had so many near death experiences, it's surreal) that as you can imagine the idea of the unknown was extremely scary to me. I was an actual wreck for a solid week and trying to keep my head in a really good space was proving to be very difficult. I found it came in waves, one minute I would be fine, as if nothing was about to happen and then the next I would be close to tears. I was scared to lose people, I was scared of the unknown and I was scared about money. Each day I found myself just counting down each minute less I had and now looking back I wish I took those moments really delicately and preciously but I guess it was always meant to happen that way. The nights leading up to before I left were perfect and I'll be eternally grateful for the support you gave me but it was clouded with fear of the 13th. The day I left.
I am at the airport. Trust me the girl who is the most unfortunate and unlucky person decided to book her flights on Friday 13th, what a daredevil. It was strange because as soon as I got to the airport all my nerves left me, I was at peace and ready to just get on the plane. Granted, I was emotionally and physically drained from the last week so feeling any emotion was beyond me. I was surrounded by my amazingly supportive Mother, my incredibly strong Father and my best friend of a Brother. I also had Hayley by my side and Criss on face-time being there for me to take my next step in life. 10pm rolls up and it's time for me to go through security and board, i'm feeling so excited. I didn't even cry when leaving Christchurch, which I assumed I would because i'm such an emotional person but I just knew I was ready to conquer everything I needed to.
Hong Kong was a bit of a blur, my anxiety was at an all time high. I was receiving so many messages from people back home and as much as I never want that to stop, it made me really think twice about my decision. So I put down my phone and became un reachable for a while. Every time I looked at my phone I would have a border line anxiety attack. I found it hard to eat because once I start to feel anxious I can't eat for ages. My body just shuts down for a bit but that in tail makes me feel nauseous! Ugh I literally couldn't win. I've been training my brain for such a long time now I know exactly what I need to do to calm myself. I treasure the beach but I couldn't do that in Hong Kong. I'm a big believer in signs and I kept seeing things that lead me back to people but this time and this time only I decided to ignore the signs. I kept myself busy by seeing all the markets and tourist spots. I went to all the designer shops and pretended for a day I was rich trying all thousands of dollars worth of clothing. As quickly as I entered Hong Kong I was leaving again, three days was enough for my headspace at the time but now looking back I need to go back and experience it properly.
Hong Kong was a bit of a blur, my anxiety was at an all time high. I was receiving so many messages from people back home and as much as I never want that to stop, it made me really think twice about my decision. So I put down my phone and became un reachable for a while. Every time I looked at my phone I would have a border line anxiety attack. I found it hard to eat because once I start to feel anxious I can't eat for ages. My body just shuts down for a bit but that in tail makes me feel nauseous! Ugh I literally couldn't win. I've been training my brain for such a long time now I know exactly what I need to do to calm myself. I treasure the beach but I couldn't do that in Hong Kong. I'm a big believer in signs and I kept seeing things that lead me back to people but this time and this time only I decided to ignore the signs. I kept myself busy by seeing all the markets and tourist spots. I went to all the designer shops and pretended for a day I was rich trying all thousands of dollars worth of clothing. As quickly as I entered Hong Kong I was leaving again, three days was enough for my headspace at the time but now looking back I need to go back and experience it properly.
Flying into Heathrow was the fix I needed, it's just an airport right? but it's me landing home. I was born and raised in England until I was 11, it very much emotionally feels like home to me. It feels warm and fuzzy, like I never left. I have never had anxiety in England, not once and for me thats enough to realize this is where I need to be. In saying that I got straight on a plane to Italy but it was the little boost my mental health needed.
Italy was INCREDIBLE, I mean I didn't expect any less. I felt so at home in our Villa, it was so big and spacious. Every morning I went out to clear my head on the balcony and talked to people close to me. At this point I felt ready to be back on phone and communicate with them. It did take almost a week but I got back into communication and I really wanted to talk. I have incredible people in my life and I really felt that. I was so happy in Italy, no stress, no sadness, no anxiety just me and my two best friends. Bliss.
Gatwick is conveniently right by Brighton so we just jumped on a train straight to my hotel. I was drained again but happy. I started making notes on how I wanted to grow my business and had some ideas but didn't really put anything in place. I had other important things on my mind like a house, bank account, job, ID number, doctors... honestly the list is still on going. It wasn't till a few days ago I bought a notebook and made proper plans for my channel. I couldn't be more excited and motivated to achieve what I want to do. I'm starting a dance school again, vocal and writing lessons because I want to start producing music and going on auditions for acting. I was in such a rut back home and I had to make a change! There was no way I was going to come here and not make it worth while. I have goals and I will achieve them one way or another.
I still haven't got a flat along with numerous other things I need to sort out and if I let it worry me I will be a wreck but I couldn't be happier. I have a great job where I am constantly learning and growing, I see my best friend of 12 years every day and she gives me so much support. Thank god for her. I know everything will happen when it is supposed to and i've made the decision not to stress because who could be stressed when you are this happy.
There really are people and things I want to come back to NZ for but right now I need to do whats best for me and not let myself down. I have family here and I get to build an incredible relationship with my Grandparents while they are still here. There is nothing more that I want than to be able to see my other Grandparents and build the same relationship but I know you are both still there with me regardless. I see it Grandad, trust me. I get to start exploring my hugely spiritual side but that's another post. I'm supposed to be meeting up with some important people who can help me with my dream states. That's a priority.
Present day/midnight as I'm writing this i'm sitting in the lounge of my hostel. I never thought I would be able to do that but I have met so many amazing people and everyone is just relaxing watching a film. I really can't watch films without starting to feel bored so this is a good way to keep my mind active instead of getting a bit fidgety. I'm looking at my channel analytics and they have improved tremendously, England and America really are the places to be for social media. I have already had a few messages from potential opportunities, it feels like things are rolling. Slowly but steadily.
All I can say is what a rollercoaster I have been on, I wouldn't change it for the world.
I'm so happy.
Becka x
